Long Hiatus

If you guys were reading and following up on this "Rager" you may have been disappointed to find that the posts just stopped coming. For those of you who cared, I'm sorry. It wasn't easy for me either. However it can be explained. You see things haven't been getting any better for me. Hate to sit on this pity pot, though It's true, I feel like I should have done more. The way the events unfolded after my return home was far from ideal. I left my new home of california to reunite with my family. I was looking for a sense of family that I surely was lacking. Now I'm stuck here. Well, at least for now anyway. And for a while I admit that I was just sulking away wanting to just quit. Not the best strategy for those of you who are considering it. Now I can say I lost almost everything I ever held close to my heart; my education, my computer, and my Californian home. A bummer, yes, enough to give up? I realize now that is not worthy of feeling like I did. Want to know why? It's because believe it or not life moves on. When things seemed over I started up again. After the awful eye weakening crash that I had that nearly took my life. I began to see things differently. I started saving and bought myself a car. Not an ideal or smart thing to do I found out. For with a car comes a whole mess of problems. Like for one, I sure as heck did not realize how much it takes just to upkeep my insurance. I do not make nearly enough to continue paying $800 a month. As well as I did not expect for little things to break as early as they did. Though im fine with it. The freedom that comes with a car is well worth it. So with that aside, I'm still trying to rebuild my life. Hopefully pick up the optimism where I left off. If everything goes flawlessly I should be re-enrolled in school this spring. Sadly not in Cali as I wanted. Though it will be enough. I plan to start school here I'm queens. And here I will stay for two long years. I will focus on my career and dig deep to make out on top. Currently I am starting up a football blog. There I would be doing what essentially sports writers do. Watch the games and put their commentary and pick apart the game. I want to see if I will fall in love with this. After all I want to make a career of sports journalism. So this is a small recap of what has been going on in my life. This Rager is still pushing on. Making a wave in the pool of life. And pushing for a better future. With that I say good night. And let's dream for a better tomorrow. Oh and by the way, in attempt to keep my writing skills sharp I will be posting more frequently. So stay tuned...

Fucked fucked fuckitty fucked

Now if there any readers of this blog, I'm sure you know by now that Mary Jane is an important part of my life. Needless to say it does cause some friction from time to time. However I always figured out a way to evade the problem. Whether its other people keeping a secret, or just getting rid of incriminating evidence. Now as secrets go this ,by far, is not one of the worst. Though it's not something a parents wants to hear from their son. And I intended to hold on to this one till death. But my careless and wrekless lifestyle caught me in a web of lies.

Where did my home go?

Its funny how you tend to idealize people and things you haven't seen in a while. Its like the absence in turn makes their existence that much more pleasing. However the minute their presence returns and the luster fades, the flaws that you remembered them having returns. That is especially true for me. You see my venture into California had stripped away the only thing that I had. My home. That was an especially hard challenge to overcome. Never before did I have to live entirely on my own merit. However as the weeks went on by I shed my fear of not having a home and created my own home. A home where I could live without judgement, stress, and temptation. I was very proud of my new home I created because I was able to accomplish complete tranquility. It was something that I never had the pleasure of having before then. In exchange there always seemed to be a whole that needed filling. The tranquility didn't seem at all balanced with the havoc that I'm used to. So in attempt to get a temporary fill of complete havoc I flew back to my birthplace. At first it was exactly what I needed. My sisters displayed a sense of respect as well as my parents. Which made me feel like I truly was on my way to becoming a man. Then as the weeks went on I noticed a fade. It was as if I felt myself slipping backwards into a state of mind that I had prior to my journey. And then I slowly realized the trap I had put myself in. I totally reneged on my pledge to get back in shape along with other things. It's like the roller coaster had reached the peak and is beginning to roll backwards. I had never imagined that my innocent trip back home would drastically change my plans for the future. I must escape this trap and somehow recreate a new home here in New York where I can lick my wounds and continue on as the adventurous "Mr. Rager". Whether I would return to my beloved california remains to be seen. However I do not doubt that my travels had ended just yet. Looking ahead I have somewhat of a feeling that I would return to the western United States. But as of right now it can only be judged as speculation. Lets see where my journeys take me.

 I dedicate this passage to all those people who have a desire to navigate the earth and intend to create their own home just like I did. May I remind you that the paths that lie ahead will not be easy. And the physical and mental strain you would soon face is something that you must endure. It is the way you overcome these said obstacles is what's going to determine your fate. Push on fellow "Mr. Ragers" and don't forget to tip your hat to the Cudder who inspired myself and many others like me.

The Summer of Hell

Looking back I was naive to think that I would have no repercussions for retuning back to the place I fled from. I had already dubbed this summer to be the best one even before it started. Boy was I wrong. This summer has not only successfully wipe out all my dreams and possessions, but it also managed to shake my integrity and hope of my future. Now it seems like I'm far below where I need to be. Which is shocking due to the fact that only a few weeks ago I was right on my path to making my dreams possible. I'm not sure if you ever loved someone or something then had lost them, but let me tell you that loosing something that you cherished feels like getting skinned alive. Every inch of your body burns. And the memory is like putting salt on the wounds. With that said looks like "Mr. Rager" is on yet another adventure. This adventure is more treacherous than anything I had ever encountered before. But hitting rock bottom had enraged the fighter within me. Now I'm coming back with a vengeance. Hopefully when I finally do rise to the top it should take more than a simple rendezvous to ny to tear me down.

F**k

I sit here alone. That has become my biggest fantasy and my worse curse. I live inside my head, mostly because I don't have the attention span or the balls to take any action. I'm not saying I don't like living in my head, its actually not that bad, quite cozy actually. However when I step out of the fantasy that I have created I say to myself, was this what I left my home for? I came out here to Hollywood land in hopes of finding something that I couldn't find In New York. I thought maybe I could actually prove that the grass is greener on the other side. But the minute I set foot off the plane I realized the grass is pretty much the same. 3,000 miles away and nothings changed. The people still act the same, food taste generally about the same, although I would like to give props to In and Out Burger for making heavenly goodness on a bun. But otherwise I did not get what I was looking for. I'm not sure if it's because I put california on such a high pedestal or if I didn't measure up to my fantasy. So instead of facing reality and solving my issues I create new fantasies in which I have all my fears absolved and I'm just living a comfy life away from the perils and disappointments of life. Which is all good and dandy if I thought for a second that this was healthy for me. Each time I slip away to my happy zone I think to myself why am I back in my head instead of out in the reality. Why can't I just project my fantasies out on the world. Why must I live in fear. Why must the consequences prevent me from trying. That's what I'm trying to find out, that's what I want answered. What prevent's me from living the life I so desperately want. The answer is nothing. Nothing can stop me from living my dream. The only thing that prevents me from doing so is myself. Time for me to stop this self loathing and learn to face myself, and conquer my fears. Time for me to get up and live my life, but some part of me cannot help but think that I'll end up right back here. Alone and afraid. I'll find out soon enough, but for now I sit here alone.

Day n' nite (Wrekless remix)

If you didn't already know, I love music. It's a passion that I share with millions of others in this world. What makes me different, however, is that I love all kinds of music. There is not a single genre of music that I haven't enjoyed. Which is one of the many things I share with my idol Kid Cudi. Here is my most recent remix of Cudi's Day n' nite. Hope you enjoy
And yes I am Wrekless =p

Quick thoughts

I started this blog to show people what is behind the scenes of an average male on the road to success. I want people to know that it takes hard work and dedication to become successful. Not all people understand that success is the effect of risk. You must take risks in order to progress. I knew this, and thats why I decided to assume the role of "Mr. Rager". However the risk I took was a lot harder than I originally intended. I thought that traveling across the country would be enough to set my dreams in motion. But its not that way. I took a risk to start my journey and now I must work hard to prove that my risk was worth it. So bottom line Is nothing is as simple or black and white as its made out to be. Stick to your guns, stay on the road. And just continue to push forward