Where did my home go?

Its funny how you tend to idealize people and things you haven't seen in a while. Its like the absence in turn makes their existence that much more pleasing. However the minute their presence returns and the luster fades, the flaws that you remembered them having returns. That is especially true for me. You see my venture into California had stripped away the only thing that I had. My home. That was an especially hard challenge to overcome. Never before did I have to live entirely on my own merit. However as the weeks went on by I shed my fear of not having a home and created my own home. A home where I could live without judgement, stress, and temptation. I was very proud of my new home I created because I was able to accomplish complete tranquility. It was something that I never had the pleasure of having before then. In exchange there always seemed to be a whole that needed filling. The tranquility didn't seem at all balanced with the havoc that I'm used to. So in attempt to get a temporary fill of complete havoc I flew back to my birthplace. At first it was exactly what I needed. My sisters displayed a sense of respect as well as my parents. Which made me feel like I truly was on my way to becoming a man. Then as the weeks went on I noticed a fade. It was as if I felt myself slipping backwards into a state of mind that I had prior to my journey. And then I slowly realized the trap I had put myself in. I totally reneged on my pledge to get back in shape along with other things. It's like the roller coaster had reached the peak and is beginning to roll backwards. I had never imagined that my innocent trip back home would drastically change my plans for the future. I must escape this trap and somehow recreate a new home here in New York where I can lick my wounds and continue on as the adventurous "Mr. Rager". Whether I would return to my beloved california remains to be seen. However I do not doubt that my travels had ended just yet. Looking ahead I have somewhat of a feeling that I would return to the western United States. But as of right now it can only be judged as speculation. Lets see where my journeys take me.

 I dedicate this passage to all those people who have a desire to navigate the earth and intend to create their own home just like I did. May I remind you that the paths that lie ahead will not be easy. And the physical and mental strain you would soon face is something that you must endure. It is the way you overcome these said obstacles is what's going to determine your fate. Push on fellow "Mr. Ragers" and don't forget to tip your hat to the Cudder who inspired myself and many others like me.

The Summer of Hell

Looking back I was naive to think that I would have no repercussions for retuning back to the place I fled from. I had already dubbed this summer to be the best one even before it started. Boy was I wrong. This summer has not only successfully wipe out all my dreams and possessions, but it also managed to shake my integrity and hope of my future. Now it seems like I'm far below where I need to be. Which is shocking due to the fact that only a few weeks ago I was right on my path to making my dreams possible. I'm not sure if you ever loved someone or something then had lost them, but let me tell you that loosing something that you cherished feels like getting skinned alive. Every inch of your body burns. And the memory is like putting salt on the wounds. With that said looks like "Mr. Rager" is on yet another adventure. This adventure is more treacherous than anything I had ever encountered before. But hitting rock bottom had enraged the fighter within me. Now I'm coming back with a vengeance. Hopefully when I finally do rise to the top it should take more than a simple rendezvous to ny to tear me down.

F**k

I sit here alone. That has become my biggest fantasy and my worse curse. I live inside my head, mostly because I don't have the attention span or the balls to take any action. I'm not saying I don't like living in my head, its actually not that bad, quite cozy actually. However when I step out of the fantasy that I have created I say to myself, was this what I left my home for? I came out here to Hollywood land in hopes of finding something that I couldn't find In New York. I thought maybe I could actually prove that the grass is greener on the other side. But the minute I set foot off the plane I realized the grass is pretty much the same. 3,000 miles away and nothings changed. The people still act the same, food taste generally about the same, although I would like to give props to In and Out Burger for making heavenly goodness on a bun. But otherwise I did not get what I was looking for. I'm not sure if it's because I put california on such a high pedestal or if I didn't measure up to my fantasy. So instead of facing reality and solving my issues I create new fantasies in which I have all my fears absolved and I'm just living a comfy life away from the perils and disappointments of life. Which is all good and dandy if I thought for a second that this was healthy for me. Each time I slip away to my happy zone I think to myself why am I back in my head instead of out in the reality. Why can't I just project my fantasies out on the world. Why must I live in fear. Why must the consequences prevent me from trying. That's what I'm trying to find out, that's what I want answered. What prevent's me from living the life I so desperately want. The answer is nothing. Nothing can stop me from living my dream. The only thing that prevents me from doing so is myself. Time for me to stop this self loathing and learn to face myself, and conquer my fears. Time for me to get up and live my life, but some part of me cannot help but think that I'll end up right back here. Alone and afraid. I'll find out soon enough, but for now I sit here alone.

Day n' nite (Wrekless remix)

If you didn't already know, I love music. It's a passion that I share with millions of others in this world. What makes me different, however, is that I love all kinds of music. There is not a single genre of music that I haven't enjoyed. Which is one of the many things I share with my idol Kid Cudi. Here is my most recent remix of Cudi's Day n' nite. Hope you enjoy
And yes I am Wrekless =p

Quick thoughts

I started this blog to show people what is behind the scenes of an average male on the road to success. I want people to know that it takes hard work and dedication to become successful. Not all people understand that success is the effect of risk. You must take risks in order to progress. I knew this, and thats why I decided to assume the role of "Mr. Rager". However the risk I took was a lot harder than I originally intended. I thought that traveling across the country would be enough to set my dreams in motion. But its not that way. I took a risk to start my journey and now I must work hard to prove that my risk was worth it. So bottom line Is nothing is as simple or black and white as its made out to be. Stick to your guns, stay on the road. And just continue to push forward

"My soul has been fed tonight"

All my life I sat and wondered on what I would be doing at this stage in my life. Not once did I even contemplate that I would have accomplish all that I already accomplished. Looking back at my life I realize that there was a very major crossroad that lead to my current success and my future successes. That crossroad appeared right after junior high. When I was a kid I strived to become a popular and memorable person that nobody would forget. Well, I accomplished throwing away my academic career. I was what people would call "the class clown". It was fun, for a while. I acted like a fool, I had plenty of friends and I drove my teachers insane. I never minded hanging out in detention, it was always quite and I was with my friends. However being the "class clown" eventually got old. As the years progressed more of my own peers were getting annoyed by my goofy antics. While my friends were progressing in class and  having fun I was stuck in detention again. I was slowly pushing away my friends, and I was consistently disappointing my family. This didn't phase me though, I was a hardened goof ball. So I continued to coast through life. Until, It came to graduation. Since my elementary and junior high school were the same, this was my first graduation. I sat through the ceremony watching all my peers succeed while I was once again lagging behind. I did not receive my diploma that day, and still to this day I don't have a junior high diploma. That was the wake up call for me. I suddenly realized that if I continued on the road I was going that I was going to become a bum. I couldn't do that to myself or my family. So I changed my attitude toward school and drastically enhanced my grades. Fast-foward a couple years and here I am in california. I have managed to change my life for the better. I was lucky that I had an epiphany so early. However It shouldn't matter, I believe regardless of age everybody is presented with a crossroad. And if you decide to rough it out and take the high road, I guarantee you not only would you feel better but your soul seems to be satisfied. So now I'm approaching another crossroad. This crossroad is about balance. Balance was something I always lacked prior in my life. Now it comes time for me to master balance. Not only between my school and home, but between diet, exercise, and relaxation as well. This "Mr. Rager" has his work cut out for him, but I have obtained a will to continue through my journey and that would propel me to success

The Test

With all the preparation that I had to do for this journey I thought everything would be pretty much smooth sailing. However, that was not the case. What I thought was an invincible plan crumbled underneath my feet. With all the time I spent looking for an apartment, making sure that I had my class schedule set, and double checking that I had the appropriate funds for my voyage I overlooked one big factor. That factor was life. I learned now that life cannot be planned. Life is like a raging bull bucking you off his back, and no matter how much preparation you may have eventually you would get knocked off. But how can I achieve a goal without planning and preparation? My answer is to include failure in your planning. If you are aware of the possible disasters then you can promptly prepare for them.
So now I am being put to the test to see whether I can survive the erratic ways of life. Which is all part of the journey of "Mr. Rager".

"It's in the world I become Contained in the hum Between voice and drum"

I always related my situations in life to music. It was there to console me, inspire me, and cheer me up. Which is part of the r

I Am The Impetus

My father had always told me that I am like a runner in a relay race. My grandfather father passes the baton to my father and my father passes on the baton to me. It was just a metaphor to help me remember that I need to learn through my parents mistakes to become successful. After that was said I always remembered my upcoming responsibilities of carrying the "baton." However the metaphor suddenly came to life when my father passed on his lucky totem. Now I carry it with great respect in knowing that I am going to continue my father's legacy. With that said I have noticed that assuming the role of "Mr. Rager" has already began to influence my father. Through the years of living in New York my mother was always trying to persuade my father to move to every state that is not New York. But even with all the planning and begging my father never showed interest in leaving his birthplace. Then I leave to california and all of a sudden my father starts to make plans of his own to come down here and join me. Looks like I was the one that had to set the precedent in order for my father to realize that New York is not the only place to live. Whether or not he would decide to make the plunge and actually leave like I did remains to be seen. Although, just the thought of him loving my decision to come down to california makes me happy. Seems like I'm already handling the "baton" up to my father's expectations.