F**k

I sit here alone. That has become my biggest fantasy and my worse curse. I live inside my head, mostly because I don't have the attention span or the balls to take any action. I'm not saying I don't like living in my head, its actually not that bad, quite cozy actually. However when I step out of the fantasy that I have created I say to myself, was this what I left my home for? I came out here to Hollywood land in hopes of finding something that I couldn't find In New York. I thought maybe I could actually prove that the grass is greener on the other side. But the minute I set foot off the plane I realized the grass is pretty much the same. 3,000 miles away and nothings changed. The people still act the same, food taste generally about the same, although I would like to give props to In and Out Burger for making heavenly goodness on a bun. But otherwise I did not get what I was looking for. I'm not sure if it's because I put california on such a high pedestal or if I didn't measure up to my fantasy. So instead of facing reality and solving my issues I create new fantasies in which I have all my fears absolved and I'm just living a comfy life away from the perils and disappointments of life. Which is all good and dandy if I thought for a second that this was healthy for me. Each time I slip away to my happy zone I think to myself why am I back in my head instead of out in the reality. Why can't I just project my fantasies out on the world. Why must I live in fear. Why must the consequences prevent me from trying. That's what I'm trying to find out, that's what I want answered. What prevent's me from living the life I so desperately want. The answer is nothing. Nothing can stop me from living my dream. The only thing that prevents me from doing so is myself. Time for me to stop this self loathing and learn to face myself, and conquer my fears. Time for me to get up and live my life, but some part of me cannot help but think that I'll end up right back here. Alone and afraid. I'll find out soon enough, but for now I sit here alone.